


Love is Not a Choice

by dothetrickortreat



Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, High School AU, M/M, Multi Chapter, POV, Ryden, multiple chapter
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-10-27
Updated: 2014-11-23
Packaged: 2018-02-22 19:25:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2519078
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dothetrickortreat/pseuds/dothetrickortreat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Brendon and Ryan are dating-- Well. Were dating. Brendon has a reputation to maintain, and plus he loves his new girlfriend. At least that's what he has to tell himself every time he starts getting bad thoughts about the lanky nerdy brunette who he was fucking for 5 months. But it had to be more than just the fucking. At least that's what Ryan has to tell himself every time he sees Brendon shoving his tongue down his perfect cheerleader girlfriends throat.</p><p> </p><p>**Inspired by Cracked Up to Be by Courtney Summers**</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 1- Lying Is The Most Fun a Boy Can Have Without Taking His Clothes Off

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't decided yet what year exactly this takes place. Definitely after 2006 but I'm not sure if it's in 2014 or earlier. Maybe I'll let you guys decide, or tell me what year you'd like best.
> 
> I imagine Brendon looking like he does in Vices, but younger, and it's kind of hard for me to describe exactly how Ryan looks so I'll let you guys use your imagination.

_His hands go over mine roughly as mine grip the sheets, my head back as I moan. His hips collide against my thighs as my feet rest on his shoulders. **Thud. Pull out. Thud. Pull out.** It's all so quick, so rough, which makes me moan for more, for harder, for faster. **"Brendon--"** I gasp, my head still back and my mouth wide open. Brendon's mouth is at my neck, biting and licking and sucking. If he even so much as brushes up against my dick right now I'll probably cum all over the both of us, and he knows that.  **  
**_

**__"How much longer do you think you can hold out?"__** , _Brendon says against my neck, smirking as he says it. He pulls all the way out for a moment, just the tip teasing my entrance. I whimper, which makes him bite his lip and grind against me a little, teasing me more. Fuck._

_His lips kiss down my neck, stopping for moment to nibble._

_He already knows the answer, he knows I'm a brush away from cumming, he knows that every little touch and thrust and kiss is bringing me closer and closer._

"So, I was thinking..." 

_But that's all over now._

"For our project, we should definitely do something based off of a book."

Spencer is looking at me expectantly, waiting for my opinion. I'm sure he can tell by my face that I'm hardly paying any attention to our obviously very important art project.

"Sure." I say, because I don't care about the project at the moment and I could care less whether we make a replica of Michelangelo's "David" or paint a literal piece of shit.

"Ryan, oh my god we have a week to do this. Work with me." Spencer says, grabbing my upper arms now, frustrated. 

We sit in our usual seats in art class, back corner, unseen and unbothered. 

The class is in rows, everyone at a two-person table. Me and Spencer sit in the back corner, along with the other less-popular kids and general troublemakers. The kids who could care less and don't mind whether they're there or not sit in the middle. And then there's the front. Jocks, of course. Which includes, yeah, you guessed it, Brendon. **  
**

Brendon, that's why my mind was off track in the first place.

He sits in the middle of the front row, right next to one of his jock best friends, Dan Dreeker, who is by far the biggest douchebag I've ever known, and I've known him for 10 years. We both have. In fact, me and Brendon use to talk about how much we hated him. How times have changed.

Spencer turns his head to follow my gaze, landing his eyes on Brendon. He rolls his eyes and turns his body away from me. 

"I know you miss being friends with Brendon but this is getting weird." 

"What do you mean?"

"I catch you looking at him at least four times a week."

Only four times? I must be pretty smooth considering I spend 70% of my school time trying not to stare at him and failing.

"Well I see him in 3 of my 6 classes, and at lunch."

"Doesn't mean you have to stare like a betrayed puppy."

That's exactly what I am though, a little betrayed puppy. 

Brendon turns to look at one of his friends and he looks at me. He smiles. He fucking smiles. 

And then he waves, and I just nod my head in acknowledgement. 

"See," Spencer says, once Brendon looks away "it's not like he hates you, just talk to him."

"I can't." 

"Why?"

"I just..." I can never tell Spencer. Brendon and me promised what happened during those 5 months was between us and us only. 

Spencer doesn't even know I'm gay.

Not that we exactly get hung up on things like that. It's never really mattered between us. Any of us. Brendon, Spencer, Jon, and me. That was until Brendon and me started fucking, obviously.

"You know what, Mr. Geyer gave us that assignment like 10 minutes ago and we don't even have a fucking idea yet. Let's shut up about Brendon." Spencer says finally, clicking his pen and hovering his hand over the notebook in front of him.

"So, yes? We should do something based on a book?"

"Sure."

 _________

It's 4th hour now, 2 classes later, and I'm sitting in my geometry class ready to blow my god damn brains out. Not because the work is hard, but because Miranda Lanter (Brendon's girlfriends best friend), is sitting behind me and won't stop talking about how cute Brendon and his girlfriend are together. I should probably learn her name soon if I'm going to spend so much time thinking about how much I hate her.

"--then, after she started to walk away, he pulled her back and kissed her. It was so CUTE, and really hot." 

Brendon use to do that to me. Not in school of course, but he did it.

_________

 

"I was thinking we could do something based on something by Chuck Palahniuk since you love him so much?" Spencer says the next hour at the lunch table. 

That definitely gets my attention, which I'm sure if exactly what he was hoping.

He sees this and smiles hopefully.

The whole art hour was nothing but me ignoring Spencer and staring at the back of Brendon's head, quickly looking away whenever it even so much as looked like he was about to look in my direction. I can't have him thinking I still actually care about him. How pathetic would that be?

"How about Fight Club?" says Spencer. It's the only book by Chuck Palahniuk he actually knows, so of course that would be the one he suggests. I groan just thinking about how typical and boring that would be. 

"Well I don't know any other books by him, so if you choose one, you're going to be doing all the drawing."

I would have ended up doing all the drawing anyway, considering Spencer can't draw for shit, and I won't have our art project looking like a 6 year old did it.

"Fine, but then you can do all the..."

My sentence lingers off as I become distracted by the brunette striding past me. Spencer doesn't seem to notice as he becomes distracted by one of our many scene queen friends that like to sit with us. If only I liked girls. I would be getting laid, and I wouldn't have to care about Brendon.

Brendon walks to the back of the cafeteria, towards the doors that lead out of the school, no doubt going somewhere more interesting for lunch. His pack of wild douches trails behind him.

_________________________

 

It's 10pm and I lay in my room. Homework done, most of it anyway, and boy of the year stuck in my head. I don't usually think of him all that much anymore, not since he broke it off at the end of the summer. Not since he broke us off. But having 3 classes with him a day every day can get to a person, I guess.

I sit at my desktop, Facebook open in one tab and youtube in another, playing Fall Out Boy at max volumes. Dad's gone tonight but I decided I needed to be home alone, instead of at Spencer's. Would be kind of weird if I tried to stay there when all I can think about is the past summer with Brendon.

My eyes linger over his name in the list of people on chat. I click it.

 _'I'm not going to message him'_ I tell myself. And I don't.

I go into the full conversation page since it's easier to read all of our messages, and I start from the most recent conversation.

 

[ **Brendon Urie 2:48AM 8/12:**  i miss you......... see you tomorrow?]

[ **Ryan Ross 2:50AM 8/12:**  of course]

[ **Brendon Urie 2:54AM 8/12:**  i love you i love you i love you]

 

Brendon must have had one serious mood swing that morning because the next day, he texted me saying he couldn't see me that day.

And then a week later, after texting him and calling him, he finally shows up at my door.

And he wants to talk.

And he's not looking me in the eyes.--

I push the memories back down and scroll up farther, surpassing months worth of messages, so far back it's before we even started dating, started having sex, before we even kissed. 

 

 **[Ryan Ross 3:14PM:**  r u with spence?]

[ **Brendon Urie 3:14PM:**  maaaaybe]

[ **Ryan Ross 3:15PM:**  where are you guys?]

[ **Brendon Urie 3:17PM:**  ur moms]

[ **Ryan Ross 3:17PM:**  Brendon.]

[ **Brendon Urie 3:20PM** : where do u think we are?? we're at jons]

 

No reply, probably because I left immediately to get to Jon's. My dad had woken up hungover and I needed to get out of there, fast. I ended up staying there that night will all three of them.

I miss those nights, where it was me and Spencer and Jon and Brendon. We sat and talked about girls, or about music, or books. Just anything really. Sure, I still hang out with Spencer and stay the night, but nothing has been the same since that day back in August.

\--------------

 

_"Wow, long time no see, where have you fucking been?" I say, opening the door and seeing Brendon standing there. He wears a hoodie, despite the fact it's 70 degrees out, and a pair of grey shorts. I'm happy he's finally come to see me, but angry he hasn't been responding, and worried about why he hasn't been responding, and now paranoid because Brendon looks like he's about to tell me that someone has died._

_"We need to talk." Brendon says after a few silent moments._

_In that moment, it became obvious to me that it wasn't a person who had died, it was our relationship that was in the middle of dying._

_"Well, yeah. Come in." I say, opening the door more. I'm still worried, but I'm trying to be hopeful. Maybe he was just having some bad thoughts, maybe I can remind him how much we like each other, maybe--_

_"I can't."_

_I nod slowly. I can feel my heart sinking faster and faster into my stomach and then I can't move and my hand is sort of stuck to the edge of the door._

_We stand there for a while, me staring at Brendon's shoes and Brendon sort of just, well, staring._

_"I can't... date you anymore. I can't have sex with you anymore. I can't kiss you anymore."_

_He's so blunt about it. Is this not tearing him up inside as much as it's tearing me? Does he not remember anything from the past 5 months? Does he just not care?_

_Is that why he's breaking up with me? He doesn't care anymore? I can't wrap my head around this._

_I manage to break my gaze away from Brendon's shoes, and I take a hard swallow, looking up at his face._

_His expression is cold, stiff. He almost looks sad for a moment. Almost._

_"I-- I don't understand. Did I do something?"_

_"Ryan."_

_That shuts me up. He says my name like it's nothing. Like I'm nothing._

_"I have to go."_

_And like that he turns away. His hands in his pockets, and his head down._


	2. Sometimes You're Better Off Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brendon needs a tutor, Ryan needs to move on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I'm so shitty at updating, I just have no motivation and I always get distracted. Forgive me.

The next day at school, Spencer notices me sneaking peaks at Brendon again in art class. I must be losing my touch if he's noticing me this easily.

"Hey Ryan?" Spencer says smirking, his eyes shifting between me and Brendon.

"What?" 

"Have you heard of the term "stalking"?"

I roll my eyes, staring down at the project in front of us. My vision is a bit blurry from tiredness, and the sketches I already have down on the paper are hardly visible to me, but I'm sure it looks terrible anyway considering my current state.

I was up until at least 12am last night, scrolling through all of mine and Brendon's messages. It was nostalgic, and sad, and left me feeling like shit by the time I went to bed. I don't feel too much better now.

"Stalking?"

"I'm sure that creepily watching someone from a distance can be considered stalking."

"Shut your god damn mouth Smith, I'm not stalking Brendon, and I wasn't watching him. I just happened to glance at him."

"For 5 minutes?" 

"You're over exaggerating it." 

"Am I? You're getting pretty defensive."

I looked back down at the project and groaned. I do not have the patience for this right now.

"Spencer, make yourself useful and color or something." I said to Spencer as I pushed the paper in his direction.

"But you're not even done sketching?" he said as he frowned at my poor excuse for sketch.

I put my head down on our desk in response.

_______________________________________________________________________

 

"Hey Ryan?" 

What. The fuck. What the fuck.

It's 3rd period now, which is when I have US History with Brendon. I sit at my desk, which inconveniently (or conveniently?) is right by his, working on some study guide bullshit our teacher threw our way.

I have no idea what to say as I look up from my writing and Brendon is standing there next to my desk.

I feel a mix of emotions all at once, and I think he can probably see it all play out on my face, just like  I could see it play out on his that day back in August.

Anger, confusion, sadness, and just plain curiosity.  

"Uh..." is all that manages to come out of my mouth as I stare in confusion. 

"Do you have a pen I can borrow?"

Are you fucking kidding me?

"Uh... yeah." 

I stop and go into my binder, pulling out a black pen. I almost don't want to give it to him. Why didn't he just ask someone else?

I hand it to him, careful not to touch his hand.

"Thanks" he says, and I swear he seems almost shy or sheepish. What the fuck?

I expect him to walk away, but he just sort of stands there.

"Do you... need something else?" I say cautiously. Part of me wants him to need something from me, or to stay and talk. But the other part, the bitter part, wants him to get the fuck away from me and let me finish my homework.

"No, I mean... well yeah. Are you any good at math?"

Either he's completely forgotten the past three years we were friends, or he's trying to act like he did.

"I guess." I say sarcastically, because fuck yeah I'm good at math, I tutored him for two years.

"Well uh... do you think you could help me out? I'm getting a D right now and I don't really have any friends who are good at it. I mean it's totally cool if you don't want to help or whatever."

I stare at him for a moment. He's wearing a black and blue flannel, with a shirt underneath that says "Stay drug free", which makes me smirk a little.

I have to admit, he looks REALLY good. Too good. 

I suddenly feel really small and shy, even though I've always been taller than him, but now I'm sitting in this tiny desk and he's leaning against it like he owns it.

I would probably be blushing right now, but unfortunately (fortunately?) all my blood has migrated south.

"I mean yeah, I guess I could. You have Aker's class, right?" Math is one of the classes I don't share with him.

"Yeah, yeah." He says nodding, a smile on his face.

What a fucking cute idiot. I hate him.

_______

We make plans to go to the school library after school tomorrow, where we will work like civilized young adults and then leave.

After he makes his way back to his desk, he just sits there and talks to all his friends, not once picking up the pen he asked me for.

I'm definitely not nervous for tomorrow. Definitely not.

_______

 

"So I'm tutoring Brendon after school tomorrow." I say to Spence as we sit down at the lunch table together. 

"I knew you were stalking him!" He says with a laugh, pleased with himself.

"Ha ha, fuck off."

My eyes wonder to the doors of the school, watching kid after kid leave. Most are probably going out to eat and some might just be going to hang out in their car, or the less popular kids go out to smoke or drug deal.

"Y'know, we should really start leaving school for lunch, or at least not be sitting in here." I look towards Spencer, who is barely paying attention to me as he ogles one of our lady friends sitting across from us, Miranda.

"Spencer."

"Wh-- oh yeah I heard you." He says, turning his attention towards me finally. "Why? We have our harem of girls right here." He says with a smile and looks back towards Miranda.

"I don't know it's just boring, and we look like losers." 

Spencer takes a look around at our lunch table. We're literally surrounded by attractive girls.

"Ryan I don't think anyone thinks we're losers. Maybe weird, but definitely not losers."

I frown a little, looking back towards the cafeteria doors.

_______

 

Last period, Chemistry. Another class I have with Brendon, and also Jon.

Me and Jon don't really talk anymore, mostly because Brendon was what made us friends, but we are lab partners, so we kind of bond over that.

"Try shaking it a bit maybe?" 

"What would that do?"

"I don't know! It could start some kind of reaction... maybe."

We both groan and I lean forward, putting my elbows on the table and my head in my hands.

I dare peek up and I see Brendon sitting a couple tables away with his girlfriend. 

They're laughing and talking and I kind of want to rip my own spleen out of my body.

"Do you and Brendon really not talk anymore?" Jon says suddenly, startling me.

He must of seen me staring. I'm getting really terrible at this.

"Uh, no not really. Actually, I'm tutoring him tomorrow after school." I say in response, lifting my arms and head off the desk and putting my hands between my legs.

"In what?"

"Math."

"Math? Why would Brendon have you tutor him in math if he has people like Kelsey Harris or Mike Dugger as his friends?" 

Kelsey Harris and Mike Dugger are two of the smartest kids in our year. They also happen to be acquaintances of Brendon. 

Jon has a great point.

I blush a little, and I think to myself, what if Brendon purposely asked me because he wanted to hang out with me?

What if he wants to be friends again?

And then I remember that I'm suppose to hate him and that he basically stomped my heart into the ground with a stiletto heel and threw away our 2 years of friendship and 5 months of love and I don't care.

I don't care if Brendon wants to be friends again, and I don't care what he might say tomorrow after school, and I don't care if some nights all I want him to do is hold me in his arms again because I sure as hell deserve better than what he gave me.

I don't care, and Brendon Boyd Urie can go fuck himself.

 


End file.
